Sunday Afternoon Drive

A few weeks ago, during the course of a church service, my family and I met a young family sitting close to us. We spoke briefly, then after the service, we resumed our conversation. I had a funny feeling upon departing church that my family was going to get know this family pretty well in a brief period of time.

Fast forward a couple of weeks later. I’m leaving church and I noticed the man of the family, D. heading towards a bus stop to go home. I asked him how long it would take to get home if he took the bus and he said over an hour and he really didn’t live that far away.  I offered him a ride, he accepted. He told me where he lived, I had a vague idea where it was and we were off.

I enjoy living in Bangkok (BKK) due to the incredible diversity of the people who travel through or who call the BKK home and their stories. So, here I was with D. on a Sunday afternoon, confident that I was taking him where he needed to go, but when I arrived where I thought he needed to be, he said politely and respectfully, “Mr. Ryan, I have no idea where we are?” After clarifying where we needed to go and searching Google maps, we were off in the right direction. This circuitous ride home due to some ill communication provided us with the opportunity to talk and for him to share his story with me.

D. and his family are political/religious refugees. D.’s story is timely due to the global hand wringing over the plight of refugees; regarding where should they go and who should be responsible for them? One of the hallmarks of the church my family and I attend is its focus on outreach ministries, which includes refugees.

D. and his wife come from solid middle class families in their respective home country and some members of both he and his wife’s families are even politicians, but he and his wife’s families are not of the predominant religion in their home country. D. said, “If you have some money, are somewhat prominent, but are not of the majority religion, then you are watched and your opportunities for employment and otherwise are limited.” Then, one day, he and his wife’s families were gathered together by some high ranking people in the area, taken to a field, and were threatened to be killed. D. said the police were aware of what was taking place, but decided not to take action. After years of slights and injustices due to his religious beliefs, D. said, this was it, he knew he and his family were no longer safe and they needed to move, he remarked, “Mr. Ryan, I’m a man, I need to provide for my family and keep them safe. My wife and I had good jobs, families around us, but due to the fact we were being persecuted for our beliefs, we had to leave our home country. We didn’t want to, we had to.”  

D., then looked at me and said, “I’m so embarrassed, I’ve shared so much about me, please tell me about you, what is your story? Why are you here in Bangkok?” I then shared with D. where I’m from, what my wife and I do for a living, and where we have lived. When I mentioned that we lived in Oman for 5 years, D. stared at me in disbelief and a huge smiled radiated from his face. He said, “My dad worked in Muscat, Oman for awhile and returned home. But, my uncle has been in Muscat for 30 years, he is a plumber.” It seemed like we further connected with Oman being a common denominator.

Eleanor and I have always been extremely sensitive to the plight of immigrants/refugees; especially since moving overseas and meeting other refugees or people who felt they had to leave their home country in order to try to secure a better life for themselves and their family, often at great sacrifice! People don’t typically choose to immigrate or become refugees because times are good! Also, for me, having a parent and other relatives who have immigrated to the U.S. makes me sensitive to people willing to leave home in hopes of a better life.

Ultimately, D. would like to seek asylum and move to a European country where he has family. For the time being, D. is thankful that he and his family are safe.

When The Time Was Right

A couple of years ago, I was reviewing a college/university application with a student in my office before the student submitted it online. On the application, the section labeled gender provided the applicant with three choices, "Male," "Female," or "Neither," the student selected the box labeled, "Neither." I noticed this and kept reviewing the application. Outwardly, my demeanor did not change, however, my inner voice said, "Hmm... this is a topic for a conversation that we should have." I so wanted to begin a conversation regarding the student's gender selection, but the time wasn't right. I was in the process of establishing a rapport with this student as his new counselor and because of this and other reasons at the time, did not feel the time was right for this conversation.

In time, I did establish a rapport with this student, his sibling, and his entire family. At the end of the year, the student left me a wonderful note thanking me for the work I did with him, how comfortable it was for him to speak with me, and for my work with him during the college/university application process. It was a really nice note to receive, especially, from a graduating grade 12 student in my first year at a new school. But, y'know what, after I received his note, it occurred to me, I didn't remember having a conversation regarding his gender identity... and I had been kicking myself mentally over this for some time.

Fast forward. A few weeks ago, I was in the cafeteria during lunch eating and reading. Lunch is my time to reflect and recharge. As I was eating, I looked up and there was the student. I hadn't seen him since he had graduated and I knew today was the day we were going to have that conversation. He made a beeline for me, was all smiles, and we began catching up. Our conversation was progressing nicely. I was just about to say, "Remember two years ago when you were in my office and you checked that box on your application....," but out of nowhere, two of his friends appeared and I did not want to begin this conversation in front of them. I was thinking, "Foiled again!" His two friends began a conversation with one another and I looked at the student and said, "Look, there is something I've been meaning to talk you about for a long time. Are you available to meet me in the counseling office in about 30 minutes?" The student replied, "Yeah, sure, that will be fine. It gives me time to take my friends to lunch and then I will swing back by."

I'm in my office, 30 minutes elapsed, no student. 40 minutes elapsed, no student. I'm thinking to myself, "I scared the student off, he is not going to show." At 45 minutes, the student appeared in the Counseling Office all smiles and apologized for being late. I thanked the student for coming back and we began resuming our conversation. The student shared with me how much he was enjoying college and how the school that he selected is such a good fit for him personally, socially, and academically. I said, "Speaking of college, there is something that has been on my mind for awhile that I would like to discuss with you. Remember that morning in my office when I was reviewing the application for the school that you currently attend and you had checked, "Neither" in the box for gender..." At this, the student had a huge smile on his face and began laughing. He said, "Mr. Haynes, I had a feeling this is what you wanted to discuss. At this, we both began laughing and the atmosphere of our conversation took on a lighter air. I said, "I want you to know that I noticed that you selected, "Neither" and I wanted to discuss this with you, but I decided not to because I didn't think the time was right." The student replied, "Mr. Haynes, I knew you noticed and I was very happy that you didn't say anything because I don't know if you remember that my mom was in the office with me that morning! As you were reviewing my application the whole time I was thinking to myself, 'Mr. Haynes, please don't say anything, Mr. Haynes, please don't say anything....... The reason why I didn't want you to say anything is because I hadn't come out to my parents or friends yet. I wasn't ready to come out to my mom that morning in your office and I wasn't ready to have that conversation yet. I looked at the student and said, "I'm now really glad I didn't say anything that morning, and the student replied, "Me too!" and we both laughed. The student then shared his story with me.

As a girl growing up in a conservative family from a conservative country and culture, the student said that he was a tomboy and always felt like a boy; but, just could never put a name to what he was feeling or he was. Later in his teenage years, the student was finally able to put a name to what he was feeling and who he was by searching on the internet and watching youtube videos of others who felt the same. He said the reason he ended up attending the college that he currently does because he purposely researched schools that were GLBTQ (Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Transgender, Queer) friendly. In college/university,  he has changed his name and has begun transitioning to a man. He has come out to his parents three times and they are struggling with his gender identity. He says that his siblings have been great and he calls his sister his number one fan. He came out to his high school friends and some of them were not surprised, they had suspected. But, one of the friends who he was at school with today was still trying to get her head around all the changes. I remarked to the student, "You look like a person who has had a weight lifted off his shoulders and he said, "It has, he commented. "I'm finally feel free to be who I am." I asked him about the transitioning process and he said, "My RA (Room Advisor) has helped me tremendously because he is transitioning as well. He has been a great resource."

As timing would have it, at my annual college counseling conference this summer in Oregon, one of the sessions I attended was, The Fluidity of Gender: How Best to Support Transgender Students Through the College Search Process. It was a great session, very informative! I learned a lot of different vocabulary regarding GLBTQ students and resources.  The student was very encouraged by this and wanted me to send him the resources that I had acquired.

As the conversation was coming to a close the student said, "This was fun! I'm happy we had this conversation now, thank you. Thank you again for not saying anything two years ago. Thank you for everything!" I said, thank you for coming back so that we could have this conversation. The timing was right."

I enjoy what I do.

Afterword
I have written this post with my former student's permission and approval.

I have referred to the student in the blog as a he at his request. This is the manner in which he now would like to be referred.

Summer Camp

Miles and Evan just arriving at camp.

Miles and Evan recently attended their first summer camp away from home for two weeks. This blogpost is about my experience dealing with them going away to camp for the first time.

I was raised in family that did not go camping nor did my parents send my sisters and I away to "Sleep away" summer camp. And, when I attended summer day camp programs at the YMCA I did not enjoy them. I remember the humidity and overpowering smell of chlorine at the swimming pool and at that time in my life not knowing how to swim, therefore, I did not enjoy the swimming aspect of camp. The horrible orange drink beverage that accompanied every lunch, and getting stung by a bee. So, when Eleanor approached me about sending Miles and Evan to summer camp in Maine for two weeks (This being the longest amount of time Miles and Evan would have ever been away from us) I said, "No." El was anticipating my response, she's a patient woman. She explained why she wanted to send the boys to camp:

1. El loves Maine! El's mother's side of the family is from Maine, she used to visit there often as a child, and she wanted the boys to experience it.

2. El went away to summer camp as a kid and enjoyed those experiences. She felt the time was right for the boys to go to a sleep away camp. For the boys to become more independent, to figure out things on their own without the presence of mom and dad.

3. She found an all sports camp that had a variety of sports such as ice hockey (Which she knew would appeal to Miles and I), where kids could focus on sports that they enjoyed, but also branch out and try new sports.

Then, after she provided me with all her valid points, she showed me a well produced promotional video from the camp and I must admit, I was impressed. I was still against the idea, but we agreed, that El would share the idea with the boys, show them the video, and have them decide. A couple days later, El shared with me that she talked to the boys about camp and showed them the video. I asked, "What did they say?" She replied, "They loved it and they want to go." I replied a little surprised, but not too much, "Really?!" Fortunately, camp was months away, so I was able to start preparing mentally.

Towards the end of the school year, a colleague and I gave a presentation to Grade 12 parents about the transition process: When son/daughters go off to college/university and the changes that will bring to the family. Basically, the presentation was about, "Letting Go." After the presentation, I was speaking with a parent that I knew well and she asked me about my and my family's summer plans. I shared that Miles and Evan were going away to camp for the first time and she she immediately asked, "So, you and your wife will have two weeks to yourselves when the boys are at camp, what are you going to do?" This parent's question really hit me. I wasn't prepared for it, nor had I given it much thought. I told her, "I'm going to do exactly what I told you parents not to do in the presentation, I'm going to hover and be a "Helicopter Parent" around the camp. At this we both laughed, but really, I don't know if El and I had strong ideas on how we were going to spend our time.

As camp approached, El and I had many conversations with the boys about looking after one another, keeping up with their belongings, safety, etc. Then, before I knew it, the day for camp had arrived. As we made the almost hour long drive from El's cousins house to the camp, I was a bundle of emotions. I was excited for the boys, I had my concerns as a parent, and I was a little anxious. But, as soon as we arrived at the camp, my apprehensions were alleviated. Friendly teenage camp counselors descended on our car to greet us and carry the boys' belongings. Then, at check-in, we received a warm welcome from the owners/organizers of the camp and other staff members. The staff then introduced us to other campers who also lived overseas. I really enjoyed the welcoming vibe.

Then, a camp counselor around the age of 18-19 took us on a tour of the camp. She hailed from Montreal and attended the camp as a camper for 5 years, loved the camp so much that she has returned the past two years to work as a counselor. It was apparent that she loved and took great pride in the camp. She shared with us that when she was a camper, her parents would drop her and her siblings off in the parking lot, say goodbye, and take-off and they would stay at the camp for four weeks. She laughed at this memory and said with a huge smile, "I love this camp!"

During the tour, the boys were shown their room/dorms. Miles' roommate was a friendly local kid from Maine. One of Miles' camp counselors is currently a second year student at my alma mater the University of Virginia, so the counselor and I connected over that. Then, we went to Evan's room, he was greeted by his two roommates who were from Beijing, China. The boys played ice hockey and in addition to playing sports at the camp, they were also at the camp to work on their English language skills (The camp also had an English language acquisition component to it). Miles is convinced that he played in a ice hockey tournament against one of the boys in Bangkok (Small world). As El and I were checking the rooms, roommates, and the general condition of the dorms, I got this intense feeling of foreshadowing, in that, this is what dropping the boys off at university is going to be like.

We then ate lunch with the boys in the dining hall and during lunch, while El went to put her tray away, Miles looked at me and said, "Thanks, Dad. Thanks for sending us to camp. This place looks great and I can't wait for camp to start." I looked at Miles and said, "You need to thank, mom. This was her idea. Left up to me, you guys wouldn't be coming to camp." Miles smiled and said, "I will." As soon as El returned, Miles went up to her, gave her a big hug and said, "Thanks, mom!"

We were now back in the parking lot and the time had come for El and I to go. We all hugged, said our goodbyes, and we noticed that the boys never looked back. I looked at El, smiled, and said, "This is a good thing, this is what we want, to raise mature, independent children." The boys walked up a slight incline, engrossed in conversation about their plans for what lay before them that day oblivious to the fact that El and I were looking at them, then one another with, "What to do now?" expressions on our faces and tears in our eyes. We slowly made our way out of the parking lot and en route to our next destination.

Afterword

-The boys were able to call us once after being at camp a week for ten minutes and they both expressed during the phone call how much they loved camp and that they were having a great time.

-Eleanor in her wisdom knew that Miles and Evan needed to go to camp so that they could grow as young people and have more varied experiences away from their parents. El and I needed the kids to go to camp so that we could grow as parents.

-During this experience, I asked myself, did my apprehension regarding sending the  boys to camp stem from my desire to protect my children from the unknown, my own experiences of not enjoying camp, not wanting to "let go" or a combination of the three?

-Lastly, we know we did the right thing in sending the boys to camp when upon being picked up they both talked about returning to camp next year and Evan even asked if he could stay a week longer? Both boys also fell in love with new sports, Evan lacrosse and wake boarding and Miles flag football.

Lessons Learned from Living Overseas

Taroko Gorge, Taiwan

I'm a member of an organization called Families in Global Transition (FIGT) www.figt.org and on their Facebook page, the organization post many great articles that focus on transitioning and living outside of one's home country. A few months ago, I came across an article by Kathleen Peddicord on the FIGT Facebook page that intrigued and really connected with me. The title of the article is, "10 Lessons Learned From 17 Years Living Overseas."

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathleen-peddicord/living-abroad_b_6390458.html

Then, shortly after reading that article a friend of mine posted on his Facebook page an article by Will Patton that also resonated with me. The title of the article is, "7 Things Nobody Every Tells You About Backpacking."

http://www.thebrokebackpacker.com/7-things-about-backpacking/

My goal with this post (Just realized the interesting choice of words in the same sentence, purely unintentional) inspired by the above mentioned articles, is to share some lessons that I have learned from living and traveling overseas.

1. Constantly having to say goodbye is tough, but having closure is important: Living internationally in certain circles lends itself to being a transient lifestyle and my family and I exist in one. And, what is constant in this lifestyle is having to say goodbye! Eleanor and I learned this lesson the hard way 13 years ago when we first moved to Thailand. We were in our first year working at a school where we met a lot of great people with whom we connected (And have since become lifelong friends), then as the school year progressed, many of those people left to work at other schools internationally, and it really came as a blow to us. We quickly learned that this is the nature of this particular life that we had chosen. We have moved 4 times in thirteen years to three different countries, have worked with hundreds of colleagues, and have made friends with host country nationals in the countries in which we have lived. We have learned, especially with our most recent move from Oman back to Thailand that saying goodbye doesn't get any easier the more times you do it, nor does transitioning. And, it always seems like I meet cool and interesting people that I want to get to know better either right before I or they depart. This is the case currently, with this being the end of the school year; lots of good-byes and going away parties taking place right now. I have learned that before departing, it is important to take the time to properly say goodbye, especially, for children. Children/young adults need to have closure as much as adults. Plan a going away party or have their closes friends over so that they can say goodbye or hang out one last time.

2. Transitions take time: Eleanor and I have realized that first years anywhere are tough, even if you are coming back to a place to which you are familiar, such as Thailand. It was eye opening to me last year that it took me an entire year to get settled back in a place where I had previously lived for four years and have relatives. Learning the ins and outs of a new job is one thing, but I was surprised by how long it took me to get settled personally. We had previously lived in Oman for 5 years and after one lives anywhere for that amount of time, you have routines established and you just know how to get stuff done. You have a reliable mechanic, you know which barbershops to go to :), you know which markets have the best and cheapest produce and best selection of juice, when your cable/satellite tv goes out you know which technician to speak with, you have a pediatrician you trust, you know to go to DMV in Muscat, Oman 30 minutes before it closes because you will have the place to yourself. This was the bigger transition for me, finding out where and how to get things done, accessing resources and this takes time. One thing I've learned during transitions is to take it easy on yourself, don't be so hard on yourself, have some self-compassion. Be willing to make mistakes and laugh at one's self.

3. I have a hard time with packing: I love to travel, but I don't love to pack! Packing is overwhelming for me. One would think I would have packing down by now, but I don't. When I pack for a trip, let's say for a week, I go through the same process. I pretty much take out everything in my closet, throw it on my bed, then I begin putting clothes back in my closet that I won't need. This takes awhile. Or, let's say if I have a trip on Friday, I take out my suitcase on Monday and as I think of items, I throw them into my suitcase, then before I leave, I try to eliminate clothes from my suitcase. I'm a firm believer in having appropriate shoes for different occasions, therefore, I pack a variety of shoes when I travel and I have big feet, therefore, my shoes take up a lot of space. Plus, traveling from a warm weather place like Thailand to a cold weather place, bulky clothes take up a lot of space. Like I said, packing is hard for me..... Packing to move is the worst! It's the little items that always get me. Stacks of papers, pens, etc.

4. In many places in the world, laws are merely suggestions: I come from the U.S., a very litigious country. One quickly realizes, especially in Southeast Asia and in other parts of the world laws are a lot more fluid, not so cut and dried. For example, driving the speed limit, if there is one, lack of seat belt/helmet laws, texting and driving, go right ahead, driving a car or something that resembles a motor vehicle car on the highway that is barely operational, that's ok. Plus, bribery/kickbacks are how things get done in many parts of the world and are expected. One time Eleanor was involved in a minor car accident, that just seemed sketchy. Everyone involved including the police just wanted her to pay some money to the person she rear ended and that was that. Nothing filed, nothing reported, everyone carry-on. Also, being aware that some laws pertain to local citizens while some just to foreign nationals.

5. Embrace ambiguity: When we lived in Taiwan, at times I had a hard time discerning when certain shops would be open and closed. One day a shop is open at one time, the next day, another time. I remember asking a shopkeeper one time during Chinese New Year, if he would be open the next day, he looked at me as if I was crazy and replied, "There's money to be made, I will be open."

In many countries holidays are based on a lunar cycle. So, for the 5 years we lived in Oman, there would be times we wouldn't know when our holidays would begin because it had to be determined by the Moon Committee and if they saw the moon (I really wanted a job on that committee). Or, the country would have to wait until the Sultan would declare when the holidays would be.

Or, you are at the barbershop and the barber asks you a question you reply, and in turn he doesn't verbally reply, but just tilts his head to one side. Since you are not sure he understood you, you repeat yourself and then the barber tilts his head with more of a roll from side to side. You just go with it and you end up with a great haircut and shave!

Or, just getting things done. One day you don't need a stamp or signature on a form, the next day, same establishment, you need a stamp, signature, and passport pictures. Then, inevitably the person assisting you will ask, "You don't have passport or passport pictures, why not?"

One time when our internet had been out for a week and we phoned the telecommunications company the person I spoke with said, "Maybe I come fix your internet tomorrow, Inshallah (God willing)."

6. Have extra sets of passport size photos at your disposal and/or a copy of your passport. You will need passport size photos to obtain a visa upon landing in some countries, to open an account, to renew your children's visas, and to prove who you are, sometimes. It seems as if we never have enough passport sized photos.

7. Buying everything you see in a store or you might not see it again for months: I used to use Quaker Oats from the U.S. to make granola/muesli when I first moved to Oman. I soon learned that Quaker Oats might be there one day and then it might not be appear again for months. A colleague of mine told me, "Next time you see something you like and you have the money, buy as much of it as you can because you may not see it again for awhile." This has been good advice. It recently happen to us with kiwi fruit. We eat a lot of kiwi fruit in our family and recently the store that we frequent didn't have kiwis for about a month or more. The next time they reappeared we stocked up.

8. Having two lives (two wallets, two phones etc.) For me since moving abroad, life has become dichotomous and I'm sure this is the case for most expats. Anytime my plane lands and I'm back in the U.S., I turn on my U.S. mobile phone I get this feeling that is indescribable. The feeling of, one part of my life is back and while my other life (Expat life) is dormant for awhile. Then, the same thing happens when I am departing the U.S. I'm always on a plane, just prior to take off. I have spoken with all my family members (Parents and sisters) and I turn off my U.S. phone. The minute I turn off the phone and put my overseas SIM card back in my phone, I get this feeling, that a part of me has once again become dormant, turned off. I communicate with my family and friends in the U.S. throughout the year, but it's just a weird feeling I experience when I say good-bye, hard to explain. It happens all the time.

9. Taking off shoes, has become natural to me. After living in Asia for awhile I've gotten to the point where I don't like walking in people's homes with my shoes on, even when I'm back in North America. And, I don't like people walking in my home with their shoes on.

10. Bloom Where You Are Planted: Firm believer that you are in a certain place, for a certain amount of time, for certain reasons. Try to make the best out of where you are and get the most out of the experience!

11. Establishing a new normal: Seeing a family of five on a motorbike carrying a pig or some other form of livestock during your daily commute, frequenting shops that are open in the morning from
8-12, closed from 12-4, open again from 5 until, hearing the call to prayer throughout the day, paying for everything in cash, seeing ladyboys being the primary employees at cosmetic counters in many major department stores in Thailand, smelling stinky tofu and durian, eating an entire meal that consists of nothing but various meats on sticks from a street stall and loving it!

Grilled meat being prepared on a street in Bangkok.

12. Life moves at a much slower pace in most parts of the world: 
Taking the time to go through various greetings upon meeting people in the Middle East even when in a car accident, sitting down and having tea with a shop owner before making a purchase or just when looking at items, sharing everything that has taken place with my family and I every time I go to a particular clothing store because the owner always shares with me what's been going on with he and his family. I've had to become more patient since moving overseas and it has not been easy at times. I'm a task oriented person, who likes to cross things off my daily to do list. But, over the course of crossing off lists over the years; I've come to strike a balance and have appreciated taking time to smell the roses while getting tasks done.

It's all part of the adventure!

Catching Up On A Snowy Day

A few weeks ago, I was back in Virginia to present at a conference and to visit colleges. While back in Virginia, I was able to make it to my hometown of Richmond for a brief visit. As I was heading to my mom’s after visiting a college, I decided to to see an old friend who is very dear to me. It was sleeting/snowy, not many people were out and about, and Richmond was on the verge of closing it seemed. As I turned the corner into the office complex where my friend works, I saw my friend’s vehicle. A smile formed on my face, happy to see that he was still at work. I opened the door and walked up a flight of stairs to his office. I knocked on the door, he swung around in his chair, a big smile appeared on his face and he exclaimed, “Ryan Haynes, all the way from Bangkok, Thailand, what are you doing here? I didn’t know you were back in town!” He was the only person in the office. I settled in a sofa across from his desk and a conversation took place for the next 3 hours. The conversation that ensued was one that neither one of us expected, but it was one that we both needed.

The conversation began by me mentioning the name of a former Middle School teacher that we both had that now works at a local high school where I have a friend who works. My friend said, "Y’know Ryan, I had a reputation in Middle School, so much so that the school didn’t know what to do with me and they let me become a teacher asst. in our shop class because I was good in shop and I had taken the course numerous times."  I looked at my friend and said, “ I’m well aware of your reputation, believe me, you were well known and not for good reasons” and at this we both laughed. From there, it was a conversation of admissions. With my friend then saying, “Ryan, I don’t know if you know this, but I struggle with addictions and right now it’s alcohol.” I’ve known this friend for my entire adult life and this was the first time he had admitted to me that he struggles with addictions and that he is a recovering alcoholic. I knew about his other addictions, but I didn’t know that he is a recovering alcoholic and I was a little surprised by his admission. I remarked, "I’ve never really seen you drink that much when we spend time together and I’ve never seen you intoxicated.” He said, “My alcoholism has manifested itself later in life, within the last 10 years (With me living overseas the past 12 years, I unfortunately don't see my friend as often as I once did).  You’re right, when we hang, I’m not really much of a drinker, but over the past 10 years, I’ve drunk a lot.  A lot of it stems from my issues of self-worth and my dad’s treatment toward me growing up (Even though my friend’s dad did not treat him well growing up, I found it somewhat touching that my friend has a picture of his dad in a frame in his office.). I knew I had a problem when I would wake-up with a hangover and the first thing I wanted to do was have a drink and repeat the cycle the next evening. I need to stop drinking because it’s affecting my marriage. I’m a family man; something I’ve always wanted and I don’t want to lose my family. My wife loves me, she’s a good mother, and she’s pretty. I don’t want to screw this up, but I will also admit to you, right now, I want a drink! Ryan, I love my wife and my family. If my marriage were to end it would be because my wife left me, I’m not leaving her. I have a great support system and many times I have leaned on this support system when I wanted a drink. Believe me, I’ve thought about joining a 12 step program, but the basis of such programs is belief in a Higher Power. Ryan, y’know me, I don’t want to submit to a Higher Power. I would describe myself as an agnostic-atheist, so a 12 step program will not work for me, but y’know what does, the thought of fear, pain, and suffering. And, this how I would describe the medication my doctor has prescribed for me regarding my drinking. This medication was first given to WWII vets and it affects the body by causing a lot of physical pain if I decide to drink alcohol while taking it. The medication stays in one's system for up to 30 days. Every now and then I think about discontinuing the meds and plan on having a drink after 30 days. I would be a fool to do so and stop the progress I’m making, but I do think about it.”

The conversation then shifted to family. Our respective wives, the brave women who fell in love with us, married us, and continue to put up with us, and our love for our children. It then turned to past loves, women we dated, the impact they had on us, and how they led us to our wives. I shared with him how a woman I dated before I met Eleanor is a recovering alcoholic, who will celebrate close to 20 years of sobriety this year. My friend then asked me, “What happened with you and your –ex?”

I shared with him how things came to a head one evening during a date and how her alcoholism became apparent. The next day she realized what had transpired the evening before and came to the realization that she had a problem with alcohol and that she shouldn’t drink again. I was embarrassed and angry about how everything played out during that date and how her alcoholism revealed itself. At the time, I didn’t want to have anything to do with my –ex and I remember sharing these thoughts with my mom and my mom told me, “Ryan, you can’t break-up and cut off communication now, if anything she needs you the most now.” Sage advice and my mom was right. My –ex needed someone to lean on as she was becoming sober and I’m glad I was there for her. The experience taught me about the power of addiction, empathy, and most of all forgiveness. I’m so proud of my –ex for her years of sobriety and the person she has become. The experience definitely has made me a better person and counselor. My friend looked at me and remarked, “I had no idea!” I said, “Yeah, it looks like we are revealing a lot today."

Hours elapsed, weather conditions continued to deteriorate, jet lag was killing me, and I needed to go to the grocery store. My friend said, “You need to go, you look tired.” We hugged as we always do at the end of our get togethers, told one another we loved the other, and passed along our greetings to each of our mom’s and families. I did not expect the day to unfold in the manner that it did, but am so grateful that it did.

10 yr. Anniversary of the Southeast Asia Tsunami: My Thoughts on That Day and the Days Afterward

Let me begin by saying, this post is going to be long! December 26, 2014 is the 10 year anniversary of the tsunami that rocked Southeast Asia, Sri Lanka, the Nicobar and Andaman Islands, India, and parts of East Africa. My family and I were living in Thailand at the time the tsunami occurred and we were on a beach that got hit by the tsunami. These are my thoughts and recollections ten years later regarding that day and the days afterward.

December 26, Boxing Day
It was a beautiful December morning. It was cool, the sun was out, so I slipped out of the bungalow where we were staying and went for a run on the beach. Railay Beach is one of the most gorgeous beaches I have ever seen and it is one of my favorite places in Thailand.

Railay Beach, Thailand

My family (Which at the time consisted of me, Eleanor, Miles who was 10 months old, and our babysitter Phinyapha) were on vacation on beautiful spit of land called Railay Beach along with Eleanor's brother (Russell) and his family and his wife's parents. There were 11 of us on holiday and we were having a great time. We were scheduled to return to Bangkok the following day and we were enjoying our last day on Railay. Railay is a peninsula between the city of Krabi and Ao Nang in Thailand. It is accessible only by boat due to high limestone cliffs cutting off mainland access. Railay has a chill vibe and it is inhabited by beach goers and rock climbers. The sunsets on Railay are fantastic! And, since Railay is only accessible by boat, there are no motorized vehicles on the peninsula, making it a safe place to walk. The place here we were staying was directly on the water.

After returning from my run and getting breakfast with the families, Eleanor and her sister-in-law, Tara went to the beach on the other side of the island from where we were staying, a short walk. I stayed back with Miles as it was approaching his nap time. Our bungalow was situated close to a walkway that not many people used to get from one side of the peninsula to the other. So, as Miles napped, I read, and it was a relaxing way to the begin the day. As I was reading, I noticed more people walking on the walkway than usual. Then, I noticed people walking at a hurried pace, which struck me as odd, because not many things take place at a hurried pace on Railay Beach. Then, I heard and saw people running and screaming. As I got up to take a look at what was going on, our babysitter who had been hanging out with friends came running, went into the bungalow, picked up Miles who was sleeping and began to take off running. I immediately stopped her, and asked excitedly, "What is going on and where are you going?!" She looked at me and said, "We have to get to higher ground!" Then, shortly thereafter, Eleanor came running frantically and said, "We have to get out of here! There was a big wave, a tsunami, I saw it, we have to get to higher ground. Where's Miles?" I said, "Miles is napping." Phinyapha held Miles outside of the bungalow as Eleanor and I secured our belongings in the bungalow. As we were securing items, Eleanor described the scene on the beach where she and Tara were. Eleanor said, "We were in the water, then the water began to recede, which was weird, then we looked out in the water and saw these unusually big waves heading for a boat that had a man on it and the boat began bobbing all over the place. It did not look good and as the waves were approaching, Tara and I ran out of the water."

The tsunami approaching Railay Beach. Photo courtesy of info@railay.com

As Eleanor and I were securing items, I had this great sense of uncertainty. I still had no sense of truly what had happened, although it sounded dangerous, and I had no idea where we were going, and what we were about to do? After we got what we thought we needed and secured the rest, El, Miles, Phinyapha, and I met up with the rest of the family and followed the throngs of people who were trying to find where higher ground was?

People running out of the water. Photo courtesy of info@railay.com

We hurriedly walked with people from both sides of the peninsula, we were directed to a hill that offered a great view of the side of the peninsula, and we were told to sit, this was around 11:30 am, an hour after the initial waves hit Thailand. As the 11 of us in our group was sitting with the throng of others, I began to get a sense of the destruction that took place. People were scared, people were battered, bloodied. I will never forget seeing this tall European man making his way toward us who was practically naked. He was extremely dazed, bloodied, and his bathing suit was hanging off of him in tatters due to the force of the waves. People were helping him walk as people were tying to find him medical assistance. Then, wave after wave of people came. The hill became crowded quickly and no one truly had a sense of what was going on? This was 2004, before smartphones, before Facebook. Information was not as readily available as it is today. Plus, considering where we were, smartphones may not have been of use because many people had difficulty that day getting coverage on their cellphones. But, I do remember my insurance agent somehow getting through and calling me to see if the my family and I were alright because he knew we were on Railay for the holidays.

It's interesting how sometimes it takes calamities/disasters to see the best/true humanity in others and that is what we witnessed on that hill.  On that hill, we witnessed people offering others sitting next to them all that they had be it, food, drink, diapers, mothers offering to nurse babies for others. It was really something to witness.

As the day grew longer and the uncertainty increased, people began to fill in the void of information with their own predictions and news.There was a guy named Rob sitting next to us who was on holiday from Nepal with his family. As we first arrived on the hill, he was friendly and down to earth. But, the longer we stayed on the hill not knowing what was going on and/or how long we would be there, Rob began talking and becoming more animated about the dangers of aftershocks and how another tsunami must be on its way and how it will be bigger than the initial tsunami wave that people estimated at 10 meters. He kept saying, "The next wave is going to be at least 30 meters, we need to get to even higher ground!" There was no higher ground, we were on the highest point on the island. People began to ignore Rob and began referring to him as, "30 meter Rob." Rob turned out to be a source of humor in a rather stressful day.

Around 5pm, from our vantage point on the hill, we could see military helicopters hovering over the water. We all knew something serious had gone down, especially with the military presence, but no one knew exactly what. At this time, it was getting darker and the sun was going to be setting soon. People began returning to their accommodations. No one was saying that we had to stay on the hill, but people were strongly encouraging it. I know I didn't want to sleep on the hill although many people were deciding to do so for fear of aftershocks and another rogue wave taking place at night. So, Eleanor and I decided to head back to our bungalow with Miles, while Russell and his family, and Phinyapha decided to spend the night on the hill. As we descended down the hill and back to our bungalow, I was really curious to see how much damage our side of the island had sustained? As we approached the property where we were staying, we could see that the water in the ocean had risen, but that was it for our side. People were calmly playing chess in the property restaurant, others were having a leisurely dinner. Honestly, the scene before me struck me as surreal after what I had just witnessed all day on the hill and from hearing reports that on the other side of the island had long tail boats resting in resort swimming pools, hotels sustaining much damage, and people had perished and/ or had people critically injured.

Even when we approached the property the owner urged us to go back up the hill, but we wanted to get back to our room. We were scheduled to leave in the morning, but with the chaos and destruction that was on the island, I had resigned myself to the fact that there was no way we would be departing tomorrow and I was hoping that we would leave the day after tomorrow at best.

We got back to the room and we got settled. It felt great to be back in a cool air-conditioned room, and to get Miles back in his crib. We were not relaxed, but grateful to be back in the room. We quickly turned on the tv to CNN and learned that a tsunami had taken place and reporters were saying that 10,000 people had been killed as a result. We went to bed with the tv on and I truly slept with one eye open that evening. I don't remember sleeping much or at all. I was ready to jump out of bed on a moment's notice to get to higher ground again, if need be!

December 27
Woke-up, never really went to sleep, turned on CNN and the death toll of the tsunami was now at 100,000! And, the news report went into detail regarding the countries affected and what actually happened. Eleanor and I were stunned. Shortly thereafter, we met up with our family who had spent the night on the hill and they were fine. My nephew Owen was covered in mosquito bites, but other than that, everyone was fine and ready to go and see if we could get back to the airport as was our original plan.

The owner of the property said that he was still planning to get up back to the airport today and we were happy to hear this. Before departing there were two things I had to do:

1. Walk to the other side of the island to see how it looked.

2. Check my e-mail and let people know that we were ok.

I ventured to the other side of the island and it was such a contrast to where we were staying. Many of the hotel properties sustained major damage. There were boats in hotel pools and strewn everywhere along the beach. People were trying to frantically to get off the island and there were long queues for boats back to Krabi. This side of the island had a more chaotic, frantic, desperate feel to it.

I checked my e-mail in the lounge of where we were staying and I vividly remember an e-mail from my dad. My dad was the only family member I remember telling where we where. Which is so unlike me because I typically share this info with both my parent's and usually my sisters when I or the family travel, but for whatever reason, I forgot and my Pops was the only one who knew. My dad's e-mail had a desperate tone, "Ryan, if you receive this, please let me know that you are ok." -Dad  I e-mailed my dad immediately to let him know that we were alive, we were safe, and we were scheduled to get off the island and back to Bangkok today. I kept the e-mail brief because there were other patrons who wanted to do the same. The more I thought about my dad's e-mail the more it choked me up. You have a child and his family on the other side of the world that are potentially involved in a horrific natural disaster with a tremendous loss of life, you are wondering if they are still alive, and you are hoping that he replies to an e-mail? I began thinking of Miles if he were in this situation years from now and how would I handle it?

Shortly thereafter, the owner and his assistants said it was time to go. I couldn't believe it, we were actually getting off the island! The scene on the beach was calm and much less frenetic than on the other side of the island. The owner thanked us for staying and if I remember correctly apologized to us for what had happened, he was very sad.

Thankfully, the boat ride was uneventful. We made it to the pier at Krabi and a van took us to the airport. The scene at the airport was something that I will never forget. News and camera crews interviewing people, people desperately trying to get off of Krabi, queues everywhere, and the look on many of the people, dazed, shellshocked. I remember hearing a woman next to us say all she had left with her was what she was wearing. I remember a man saying who had stayed on smaller more remote island that the only people who were alive where he was staying was he and the owner of the hotel. He said he was staying in a place that probably accommodated 30-50 people and that everyone else had been killed. He and the owner stayed up all night moving dead bodies and debris. The stories were awful, heart wrenching.

We returned to Bangkok, Don Muang International Airport and it was an unbelievable site. News crews from all over the world were there filing stories and interviewing people getting, getting people's reactions to the tsunami, wanting to hear their stories. People getting on planes to help with the relief effort, people desperate inquiring, hoping to see loved ones involved in the tsunami.

We took a taxi back to our apartment and we were so grateful, thankful to be back home. We immediately turned on the tv and it seemed like it just stayed on for days continuously. Then we began calling family and e-mailing people to let them know that we were safe and back in Bangkok. Eleanor and I remember receiving e-mail from people that we hadn't heard from in years inquiring about us. I remember receiving e-mail from former colleagues at Manchester High School in Richmond and from Herndon High School in Northern Virginia and we were very touched by this! I remember composing a long e-mail detailing where we were and what we had experienced and a former colleague at Herndon, Doug Graney e-mailed it to the entire faculty informing that we were ok. Then, something unusual happened, our phone just started ringing off the hook. Back then, the only people that would call us on our landline was family and we would e-mail more than call because it was cheaper. But, for the next few days, we had family and friends calling us nonstop. It seemed the minute we would hang up, another call would come through.

As we were watching the news Bangkok hospital officials were asking for donations of clothes. Christmas time in Thailand is the height of the tourist season with many Europeans coming to Thailand on holiday. And, many of these Europeans were now in the hospital with nothing, only what they were wearing. To give you an example of how many Europeans come to Thailand, The BBC reported that over 3,000 Swedes lost their lives in tsunami in Thailand and that it was Sweden's and Thailand's worst natural disaster. Once we heard the request for clothes, Eleanor and I quickly filled two big plastic grocery bags of clothes, got in taxi and went to Samithveij Hospital, the hospital closes to us. The hospital and the hospital officials seemed overwhelmed, but very thankful for the donation of clothes. In addition to donating clothes, I wanted to do more. Many of my friends, especially guys I played hockey with hopped on planes to Southern Thailand the minute they heard the news to assist with the relief efforts. For example, one of my Thai hockey playing buddies, a guy nicknamed Top, carried bodies and helped interpret for Australian identification experts for more than a week. But, I knew I needed to stay at home and look after my family. Miles was 10 months old and Eleanor was very upset about what we had just experienced.

I did have an opportunity to assist further by playing in a charity hockey event organized by the Flying Farangs (Farang means foreigner in Thai) Hockey Club that I was and am still a part of. It was a Tsunami Relief game to benefit the Thai Red Cross and the format was Canada vs. The World. To this day, the benefit game remains the best sporting event I have ever been a part of as a participant or as a spectator. I remember being in the locker room getting dressed and hearing the buzz of the crowd from inside the locker room and then upon exiting the locker room, seeing the rink at capacity with people trying to find seats and spectators standing everywhere, it was something I had never experienced before as an athlete. People from the NHL (The National Hockey League), reporters from CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company) and many other news organizations were in attendance. The game itself was fun, entertaining, and competitive. The World team ended up winning 7-6, but more importantly, $10,000 USD was raised at the game and the NHL pledged $2,600 per goal for a total of $32,500 USD. Eleanor and Miles were in attendance wearing their Flying Farang jerseys and we all ended up getting interviewed by a reporter from CBC.

For months after the tsunami, Eleanor wondered a lot and I to a certain degree why our side of Railay was spared and did not sustain more damage? I found the answer late one evening in March 2005 reading Outside magazine at our kitchen table when I had come home from playing hockey and couldn't get to sleep. In detail and with diagrams, the article described how on our side of the island, unbeknownst to us, there was a reef and this reef helped to dispel the energy of the tsunami. This is why the waters on our side of Railay rose, but no further damage took place.

The Outside Magazine issue that I read.

Then, after reading the Outside magazine article, I remember reading a Time magazine article about the women of Banda Aceh, Indonesia. Banda Aceh was close to the epicenter of the tsunami and was devastated by it. 160,000 lost their lives on December 26 due to the tsunami. The women featured in the article featured described how they lost all their loved ones and I will never forget the account of one of the women. A tiny woman who said that she remembered looking up and seeing a wave that blocked out the sun. All she saw was a wall of water and the wave that she saw was estimated to be 23 meters high (75 feet). She said that she held onto a palm tree with all her might and she remembered being ripped away from the tree and thrashed in the water, but she survived. And when the ordeal was over and she looked around what used to be Banda Aceh was no longer there, everything was gone. As I read this, I lost it! Tears just began streaming from my eyes and I just let them flow.  I guess I had a lot of emotion still pent up inside of me in relation to the tsunami and it all came out that evening. I needed to cry, I needed to finally mourn. Eleanor heard me, I went to her, and we hugged.

Women of Banda Aceh

Final Thoughts
*-On December 26, 2004  a 9.1 magnitude underwater earthquake was recorded in the Indian Ocean, one of the strongest in recorded history. The tsunami hit the shores of Thailand between 10 and 10:30. Almost two hours after it initially struck.

*-20-30 meter waves (65-98 feet) were recorded on Banda Aceh, Indonesia, killing 160,000 people. The first inland site where the tsunami struck. The tsunami was also strong enough to resolve the separatist conflict that had plagued Banda Aceh prior to the tsunami.

Banda Aceh devastated after the tsunami.

*-228,000 people were killed in the tsunami across 14 countries.

*-In regards to the relief effort, 99 countries donated to the tsunami relief effort. 13 countries donated that had never donated to a prior relief effort. The tsunami caused $10 billion USD worth of damage.

*Information obtained from the BBC

Lastly, for whatever reason, God spared our lives December 26, 2004 and this fact is not lost on me. As a result, ever since that day,  I try get the most out of every day as I can. I truly try to live life to its fullest. And I also try as my friend Chris likes to say, "Live your dreams."